I turned 40 last week. There is nothing like a big birthday to highlight how uncomfortable I am being the center of attention. I used to refuse to go out to dinner on my birthday as a child unless my parents promised they wouldn’t have the waitstaff sing. It all just felt so horrifying to me.
I have done a lot of healing work since then, this year specifically. With my birthday approaching, I was thinking a lot about what it means to allow myself to be loved fully as I am.
I spent a solid portion of my life rearranging myself so that I could fit neatly into external standards. I believe at one point I actually attempted to disappear. It felt safer and easier to make myself as agreeable as possible than to actually develop a sense of self. Unfortunately, that love and attention provided only a fleeting high because they weren’t based in reality. The anxiety would always return because I was not willing to let my true self be seen. My fear was that if I did, no one could possibly accept me.
It still isn’t easy to allow myself to be loved. To feel worthy of gifts. To feel comfortable with my friends going out of their way to celebrate me. To appreciate all of the small details intended to make me feel so special. But this year, on this 40th year of my existence, I finally let my guard down.
I have come to this beautiful point in my life where I finally no longer change who I am to gain the acceptance of others. I show up exactly as I am and allow my people to love that vulnerable version of me. My circle may be smaller, but my friendships feel so much richer. I would rather be loved by a few for who I am, than by many for who I am not.
My best friend and I spent the afternoon at the spa getting makeovers. We met up for happy hour at our favorite distillery. I ate a huge bowl of Penne Vodka and then half of Nick’s Chicken Parmigiana. We caught up on our lives, in a way that only parents who are in the busiest of seasons can appreciate. We held hands and laughed. There was even some ping pong. I let myself feel every single moment of that attention and felt truly loved.
This experience never would have been possible if I were still stuck in my eating disorder, consumed with diet culture’s rules and expectations. Staying vigilant took up so much of my brain space there was no room for presence, no separation to allow myself to relax. As I have gotten older and reclaimed my life, the things that are truly important to me have become abundantly clear. I now choose connection, balance and making memories above avoiding discomfort. I finally feel at home with myself and can allow others to see me for who I am, with all my imperfections.
I could not have healed my relationship to food, exercise, and my body alone. I needed accountability and someone trained in mindset and behavior transformation. It took support, intention, and a whole lot of work. But I promise, if I could do it, then so can you. This life is such gift.
Always here for you,
